I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
