Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
