I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
