I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
