I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
