They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
