just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
