My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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