3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
