Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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