did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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