Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
