I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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