I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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