Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
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This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
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I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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