Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
