Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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