Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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