i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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