and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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