I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize