i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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