Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
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He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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