And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
