I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
