Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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