I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize