she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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