I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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