she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
it was like having sex with a tree stump
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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