my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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