If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
