i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Randomize
