he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
