Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
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we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
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What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
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