I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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