You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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