Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
