I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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