the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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