got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
