I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
