i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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