So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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