The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
