I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
