two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
