was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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