Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
