I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
