He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
