Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
