You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
