Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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