We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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