I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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