What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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