READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
