I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
