Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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