Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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