I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
do herpes really smell.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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