Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
