i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
