no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
