Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You took a bar mat shot.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
