Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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