I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
ok first of all what the fuck
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
